Some things in life serve only to induce rage. No matter how small these annoyances may be, they are never insignificant. 'Rant List' is the chronicle of one self-loathing narcissist's seemingly unending pettiness.

Saturday, 2 March 2013

90. The term "amazeballs"


^ Here is a picture of David Cameron saying "amazeballs" moments after he promised to hold an in / out EU referendum, the scrote.

       Sorry, what? “Amazeballs”? What does that mean? Is it the name of a new game show involving a maze and variety of footballs? Is it context specific? Can you only use it if you’re just witnessed some amazing spherical objects? Does it simply mean your balls are amazing? Have you ever noticed that everyone who uses this phrase is generally rather unbearable? Is this entire post going to be made up of rhetorical questions? Is this gimmick old yet?

       I’m all for coining nonsensical new terms that have no real meaning, but “amazeballs” seems to be a phrase constantly overused by that horrible brand of person who thinks they’re “fun” or just a little bit kooky. Of course, they’re not. They’re usually someone you utterly detest being around, but through some unfortunately regular turn of events are forced to be in their physical presence more times that you can manage. And as they keep uttering phrases like “amazeballs” whilst talking about the next episode of the god-awful BBC sitcom Miranda and drinking tea out of their “hilarious” “Keep calm and drink tea” mug, all you can think about is how great it would be if the whole room began to quake and a giant crack opened up under their feet and swallowed them whole, therefore relieving you of their presence forever.

       It’s not that the phrase “amazeballs” is stupid (although, it is 100% stupid and is about as witty as an episode of the aforementioned Miranda), but it’s used by such an abhorrent sect of people that its only real purpose is to allow you to immediately identify someone you should never speak to. However, the fact that It has made it in to Collins online dictionary is a very clear sign that humanity has peaked and we have been in steady decline for many years.

As an aside, if pushed to pinpoint when exactly humanity reached its zenith, I would wager it was probably around the time the song 'Top That' appeared in the film 'Teen Witch'. It's all been downhill since then.

89. Having a Tumblr as your personal website, but the only real theme is your own narcissism

^ It's almost as if the world didn't already have enough obnoxiously sepia-drenched attempts at being profoundly emotional smothering it to death.

       Call me old-fashioned, but I fail to see the communication and media revolution that websites like Tumblr offer people*. On the face of it, Tumblr provides a somewhat dull homogenised template so that everyone using it has a website that’s essentially structured the same way (a bit like Blogspot SSHHHHH). Yes, you can alter the design a little bit here and there, but ultimately there is very little of your own personal craft injected in to the site. Coupled with the fact that all you really do is repost content that someone else has uploaded before and create a bizarre collage of unoriginal material, it results in each Tumblr being devoid of any real sense of creativity whatsoever. Congratulations – you’ve posted a picture and someone else’s witty comment. Aren’t you clever! Of course not. You’re too lazy to even bother to mimic someone else’s talent, let alone display any of your own.

       In the process of doing this, all that Tumblrs usually become is an awful and distorted mirror of their user. In an attempt to reflect a person’s interests and share the things that they find interesting, an individual’s Tumblr becomes a glorified Facebook page – a site where people can continue to perpetuate a very carefully constructed persona of themselves. Not the person they are, but the person they want people to think they are, built up from an absurd mixture of things they didn’t create, but instead foraged for on the internet. I don’t deny that there’s always a degree of posturing in whatever online persona you put forward – I’d be a hypocrite to, considering this complete wreck of a blog – but at least try and do it with some minor semblance of originality and creativity. There’s nothing impressive about assembling an e-scrapbook from the bits and pieces others leave lying about because you think it’s a genuine reflection of you, like some kind of crazed magpie in the midst of an identity crisis. 

       At least back in the day when everyone had a Geocities website, every website looked different and reeked of personality. Don’t get me wrong, they all looked awful and that ‘personality’ was usually “HEY LOOK AT ALL THESE LOW RES GIFS AND BADLY PLACED TEXT BOXES - DIDN'T I MENTION THE MIDI MUSIC IN THE BACKGROUND?", but at least you actually had to make something.


^ R.I.P. Geocities 1994-2009 lol

*Okay, not entirely - I do completely understand the social aspect of reblogging things and how sharing is an ingrained human activity, but pipe down, that’s not the point of this entry. And in spite of this post, I’m also aware that there are a few genuinely interesting Tumblrs out there but SHHH again. I’m here to complain, not to be reasonable.

88. Geo Godley's complete obliviousness to his own street harassing antics

^This is Geo Godley. There are probably few things more awful than making a woman – even if it was Paula Abdul – want to hurl after seeing your tackle.

       For the lucky ones who have never heard of him, Geo Godley is one of those Youtube celebrity dolts – the fact that someone can be a celebrity from “vlogging” massively offends me, but that’s another rant altogether. As of writing, Mr. Godley has over 10,000 videos on his Youtube account. The vast majority of his caustic uploads are his “flirts”. Essentially, Godley meanders around London and makes videos consisting of awkward come-ons to random women in the street. What’s worse is because all of these desperate attempts are filmed, everyone watching can see just how unsettling Godley’s antics are. It’s clear from a lot of the videos that the targets are uncomfortable as they try to lose Godley one way or another and, frankly, it’s difficult viewing. Whilst he’s arguably not causing any immediate harm, he’s not only normalising harassment of people but he’s filming and documenting it as if it was socially acceptable.

       Now, Godley himself will dismiss criticisms like this in an instant. A month or two ago, he uploaded a video where, after walking past a Pret A Manger and catching a girl’s eye very briefly, he went in to the restaurant and sat next to her. Unsurprisingly, he was met with indifference, as the girl basically ignored him and tried not to respond as other people in the restaurant just looked on in disbelief at his creeping attempts. After rightly being called up on this video by many people, Geo posts a response saying that all detractors are in the wrong; the woman gave him “an inviting glance”, he’s had “tonnes of positive experiences” doing his video flirts and “the women enjoy it”. Essentially, he throws his harassment off as harmless flirtatious fun, firstly forgetting the fact that flirting requires two active parties and secondly, clearly grossly unaware of any semblance of social boundaries (the claim of ‘fun’ is further lambasted by videos where Geo gets annoyed when girls don’t respond well to him [around 1:30 it gets weird] or he gets indignant about someone blocking the view of the woman he was filming from his window).

       Maybe Geo isn’t intending to cause harm. And to be honest, looking at some of his other videos, he may have had some bad life experiences that have warped the way he approaches people. But despite this, he obviously is causing distress and the fact that he’s oblivious to it is genuinely disturbing. In a social climate where something like the the harrowing #ShoutingBack has taken off as an organic documentation of the harassment that is accepted as standard, Geo’s deluded attempts to defend his flirt footage as nothing more than a “positive experience” only serve to exemplify just how ingrained a problem street harassment is. There is nothing “positive” about filming women who don’t want to be filmed as you publicly harass them. If anything, it seems like you’re building up a bulk of evidence of things that will eventually be used against you in court – and with good reason. This is not how you treat people.