Some things in life serve only to induce rage. No matter how small these annoyances may be, they are never insignificant. 'Rant List' is the chronicle of one self-loathing narcissist's seemingly unending pettiness.

Thursday, 15 July 2010

17. Loose Women

^ This looks like an advert for possibly the worst sitcom ever made

I honestly don't feel I should waste too much of my time disseminating this trash, so I'll keep this one short and sweet.
Whoever decided to pitch the idea of assorted muttons badly made up as lambs discussing their vapid "insights" on topics as varied as men, social affairs, sex, men, current events, television, faux-feminism and men is a toy short of a Happy Meal. It never ceases to amaze me how these talentlessly gobby women have yet to discuss just how pointless their air time on television is. When it comes to day-time telly, I'd much rather watch that sociopath in a suit, Jeremy Kyle, callously tear people apart emotionally than listen to the grating middle-aged cackles of the Loose Women panel making appalling sexual innuendo and fawning over whatever man appears before them. Way to push feminism back 70 years, I guess Emmeline Pankhurst did all those hunger strikes for nothing.

Wednesday, 7 July 2010

16. "Metal-heads"

^ Anyone who describes themselves as a "metal head" will probably make this "grim" pose at every photo opportunity

Okay, so you're a fan of Megadeth. Fair enough, they’re one of the leading pioneers of the thrash metal movement. So you grow your hair out, you rip some jeans, buy a leather jacket and generally look like you’ve walked out of the 1980s, presenting an image that is both incredibly un-trendy and effectively a parody of itself. That’s fine, you can look like what you want. Not that I can ever judge, I look somewhere between a member of Guns N’ Roses, a librarian and Snoopy.
However, when you become an elitist metal fan (usually, the self-titled "metal-head"), that's when you instantly become a bad person. First is the superiority complex that embodies metal-heads regarding their genre of choice, belittling every other musical style as below metal. But then, metal is hardly an original genre, founding itself on a white appropriation of the blues and like any musical style, it has been dependent on the influence of others to sustain it. Effectively, to play the “But that group isn’t METAL so they’re bollocks! Metal is the best genre out there YEAH FUCKING SLAYEERRRRRR” card is as pointless as a circle.
This entire thing is further exacerbated by the metal-head social circle (or what I have wittily dubbed "the socio-circle pit"). I understand the concept of having friends of similar taste, but "true" metal-heads will surround themselves exclusively with other "true" metal-heads. Through the aforementioned 'holier music taste than thou' attitude, metal-heads effortlessly project their unwillingness to deign themselves to the level of other music fans. The result? A group of friends who are as intolerant and insular as they are nerdy and desperately alone. At this point in your life, you may as well just introduce yourself to people as a narrow minded prick who has nothing better to do than sit in a dark room examining your vinyl collection of ‘true metal’ bands whilst multi-tasking the slagging off of anything that doesn’t depend on dual guitar leads on an internet forum and masturbating over pictures of barely passable girls wearing Iron Maiden t-shirts.

15. Spoilt students

^ I don't approve of using the cane on children, but it should definitely be instated amongst 18-23 year olds who have yet to show any modicum of acting their age.
Being a student is an increasingly common thing nowadays. But rather than rant about the complete over-saturation of degrees and the worthlessness of many of them (yes, pot and kettle analogies are very relevant in my case), I have chosen to pick on the students. Not all students, mind. Contrary to the stereotype, many are hard-working and, whilst possibly getting ridiculously "crunk" too often (I heard that term on the street), appear to be vaguely dedicated to their degree and achieving something. Unfortunately, amongst these students are those who have suffered from a ridiculously sheltered and care-free upbringing of no responsibility that they continuously flaunt in front of their peers.
These are the kind of students who receive their student loan and within the next week, will have spent it on a variety of frivolous things such as designer clothes, expensive trinkets and a PS3. Shortly after, they'll be bawling their eyes out as they whine incessantly about the fact they are now in to the overdraft of their bank account. They'll complain that the loan they received wasn't enough to cope with their oh-so difficult living experience, discreetly forgetting to mention how they squandered it on the various material embodiments of their own idiocy that now adorn their room. However, one phone call to mummy and daddy dearest and their woes are sorted - magically, the money in their bank account has been replenished and the crisis is averted. I suppose this could be construed as a learning experience, but I've yet to see this situation used productively; because the incompetent student's intelligence is inversely related to their affluence and spoilt nature, they are doomed to lather, rinse and repeat this process with their parents bailing them out at every turn.
Worse yet is when they become aware of the fact their parents will fork out the money when they need it. Recently, I overheard a 20 year old manchild tell his friend about the rail fine he had received for not purchasing a ticket. He did a stupid thing and was now going to have to pay up for his mistake. Simple process, lesson learnt. His solution was a bit different. He had the written fine sent to his home address, hoping his parents would pay it off without question so as to not exacerbate his non-existent exam stress. Even worse, they did. How do these reprobates hope to cope in the real world if they can't even accept their own mistakes and build upon the experience?
In reference to the homeless, I've once heard the argument that the benefit behind giving people money is that it helps teach them responsibility - how to manage their finances, how to budget for food and other things of that ilk. Clearly, this is not true with those who have been spoilt through life. Give them money and they will do nothing better than exploit their parents' misguided generosity.

P.S. There was a guy in my halls of residence who had never used a toaster before as his bread had always been toasted for him. That's more amazing than it is spoilt.

14. Pretentious people who play acoustic guitars in social situations

^ I will only be impressed with someone who starts playing guitar in a social situation if they own a quadruple neck and shred like the always hilarious Michael Angelo Batio
Picture it. You, some friends, some assorted alcoholic beverages and some general good times. Lovely. Hey, look! One of the people in your group has suddenly cracked out an acoustic guitar. Oh. Fiddlesticks.
There are several problems with doing this. Firstly, nothing says "Lavish me with attention, I'm so desperate for social validation right now" like feebly trying to show off your "creative skills" in a group situation. It forces everyone else to stop what they are doing and pay attention to you - especially if you begin to warble over the top of your badly strung together chords. At least if you were just quietly noodling in the background, you could maintain the fa├žade that you were providing instrumental accompaniment to the evening's proceedings - like a low-budget pianist in a not-so-fancy restaurant. But with you caterwauling about some non-profound, pretentious insight over the top of your generic chord progression, you prevent everyone else around you from enjoying their evening.
The only thing that could possibly make this worse is if you try to get your victims to sing along. Not only have you ruined their previous activity of casual socialising and alcohol, you are now forcing them to pretend they know the words to every bland and overplayed song you can think of; from the vomit of Oasis and appalling Bob Dylan covers to the tripe of whatever indie nonsense passes off as music nowadays. You are not talented and never will be. Sod off.