Some things in life serve only to induce rage. No matter how small these annoyances may be, they are never insignificant. 'Rant List' is the chronicle of one self-loathing narcissist's seemingly unending pettiness.

Saturday, 19 June 2010

13. People who "speak their minds"

^ Considering it looks like a child threw this picture up, it took a deceivingly long time

If those horrifying audition tapes they show at the beginning of any series of Big Brother have taught me anything, it's that society is comprised of numbskulls. Of course, this isn't entirely true as Big Brother utilises a very succinct selection process that cherry-picks only the most brain cell deprived individuals of Britain. In the process of several minutes of banal audition footage, these lobotomised would-be-humans extol their self-perceived virtues which almost always consist of nonsensical clich├ęs of cookie-cutter uniqueness. One of the worst offenders amongst the rambling list of what makes these people so "great" is the seemingly standard "I'm not afraid to speak my mind" - the snot-rag's code for "I'll vocalise whatever incomprehensibly ludicrous thought enters my head because I lack any form of self control".
What this amounts to is a never ending tirade of barely contemplated statements that the speaker throws out at random, masked by their own pretension of profoundness; their logic being that they are edgy and intelligent because they lack any concept of tact and the ability to mull over their thoughts before unceremoniously inflicting them upon other people. If I did that, everyone around me would privy to such gems as "if I put my laptop and speakers next to the TV and wear one of those beer-hats, I could play Sonic 3, get drunk, listen to Black Sabbath and look at boobs - I must be a genius". Of course, I'm not a genius, I'm just a weirdly efficient nerd. However, at least I don't "speak my mind" as I'm aware of the completely inanity of my embryonic thoughts. People who speak their minds are just too lazy to put any effort in to thinking about why they're an idiot.

12. The term "fat Coke"

^ I didn't want to visually advertise Coca Cola so instead I decided to use this vulgar image. Lovely.

Now, I'm no nutritionist. In fact, far from it - I have spent the last month sustaining myself on a caustic combination of Sam's Chicken and coffee, with my body becoming a doughy, jittery mess as a result. But in moderation, something like a simple can of Coke is utterly fine to consume. The fact that it's mildly unhealthy is, of course, a given, hence there being a "diet" version of it. I've no problem with people drinking Diet Coke, though. Sure, it tastes terrible and is unlikely to be much healthier than the original swill but I understand the need to delude yourself that you're being healthy.
But a "diet" version of something doesn't make the original "full fat". Coke isn't a coffee from Starbucks. The pervasive nature of American chain coffee shops has made every pretentious, trend-embroiled spanner think of all beverages in coffee terms. Coke has become some kind of dairy based product; you can get a mocha caffe Cokecuinno with frothy milk before you go to work because you live a glamorous, on-the-go life like those insufferable skin-bags of consumerism and sexual innuendo in Sex & The City. Your life isn't glamorous. Once you purchase your coffee / Coke / generic beverage, you'll go to work merely to be shouted at by your Neanderthal of a boss and the crushing embrace of reality will crack your soul's bones as you choke down your overly priced drink.
Plus, if regular old Coke is "full fat", shouldn't Diet Coke be "skinny"? Not only are you an idiot, you're inconsistent in your beverage reference terms. Just man up and drink your caramelised poison in its full glory.